Thing I hate most about purging: I feel like I'm breaking edge. It gives me this lightheaded woozy feeling not altogether different from dxm highs >:|. I hate it. I hate feeling that way. I don't understand why I fail at eating like a normal human being. Today I did ok until dessert at my aunt and uncle's house. Seeing sweet things just turns on my b/p autopilot. Before I know what's happened I've gorged myself on cake and sweets and goodies and I'm in the bathroom calling down to my cousin asking him how to make the toilet flush, scared that he's going to come in to show me and see the vomit in the toilet bowl.

Me: "Am I fat?"
My seven-year old cousin: "Uh huh!"

Ahahahaha. I couldn't stop laughing while stuffing my face. His affirmation of my enormous self made me feel so vindicated when I purged.

I miss Eric. I miss Eric. I miss Eric. I miss Eric. I miss Eric.

Can't wait to open up the Hello Kitty toaster my grandma got me. It's too bad you can't toast fruit :\. Maybe I'll indulge in a slice of toast for breakfast tomorrow just to use my toaster!

I can't take this anymore. Too weak to go to work, but they'll be shorthanded if I don't. Purging is getting too difficult. I can feel my insides tugging at the food and trying to keep it in. I think I'm going to try and stick to restricting only.

it was us against the world
and the world was against us
now I fumble with my sword
now I stumble on back words

I mess up all my relationships. I don't think I can get close to Eric at all anymore. I don't even want to take a shower for fear of seeing all that fat. I want to break every mirror in this house, crawl into my closet with some sleeping pills and wake up when I'm thin.

TOday I woke up at six, ready to bake some cookies. My schedule was supposed to go like so:
6:00-8:00: make cookie dough/bake cookies
8:30-11:40: gym
12:00-3:00: bike to downtown sacramento, take light rail back
4:00-whenever: get my hair done, and my eyebrows upkept, hang out with Eric, then work on my english essay.

Buuuut my throat hurts so I don't want to go to the gym with all the nastiness in the air. I don't understand how I get sick so fast. I realize it would normally be attributed to not eating well, stomach acid, and not getting enough rest, but yesterday I actually ended up eating a hot dog and a scone because my stomach hurt so bad and I take my vitamins every day. I'm such a pig. It was all I talked about the rest of the evening too, haha. Poor coworkers. Blllaaahhh stupid immune system.

Um, I complain too much. I even complain about complaining :\.

yesterday:
1 orange
1/2 slice toast w/ 1 tbsp. neufchatel
and some crap I binged on then purged
gatorade because I felt really wierd and dehydrated after purging and figured I might need some electrolytes. It was so hard to keep down, its just water and high fructose corn syrup. EW.
total: 355

so far today:
1 egg white
1 Mango Sambazon (255 fucking calories but I don't care cause its the only thing worth that many calories + its good for me + its good for the rainforest + it tastes SO FUCKING GOOD)
total so far= 270
If I end up eating an apple at work: 310

p.s. I love yoga

yeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhhh

I'm really nervous about cooking all the food for my mom's pre-Christmas dinner party on the 23rd, but also really excited. I'll probably fuck up the roast but whatever.

I'm about to leave to go to the gym right now. Gonna do my Couch-to-5K stuff, then yoga at 12:00, and maybe thirty minutes of stregnth training after that.

So far I've eaten:
2 egg whites - 32 cals
1 multi-grain waffle - 95 cals
1 tbsp. organic maple syrup - 52.5 cals
2 tbsp peanut butter - 210 cals
125 g apple slice - 65 cals
total: 454.5...:\

It feels like a lot, especially since I haven't even eaten lunch yet. I'm not really counting calories today though, just trying to make sure I don't go over 1200 and linking and balancing my carbs and protein. I'd be at 244.5 if I'd known apples don't need to be linked but I'm just going to forget about it and feel good about all the wonderful organic food I'm putting into my body.

doing good :]
I had a couple bites of shredded frosted wheat cereal for breakfast, celery and sausage sauteed in oil, 1/4 c. of pasta with cheese, 1 1/2 marshmallows, 1 bite of lemon poppy seed bread, and a strawberry yoplait light :DDD

Didn't purge at all today because I ate so well! I'm sure I consumed around 700 calories so far, but meh. It was nutrient dense, and work was more like a work OUT, ahahaha I'm so witty. Eric has a bmi of 17.6 - by March I'm gonna have a bmi of 16.8 fo shizzle.

I smell like vomit
I hate the smell of vomit
livejournal is telling me its Friday and my computer is telling me its Friday but...I'm pretty sure it's Saturday? Note to self: tomorrow will be better. I promise.

ummmmm

fuck

I spent around $50 on healthy, organic food today: lean meats, low fat dairy, and whole grains, etc. etc. trying to motivate myself to eat well. Now I'm kinda regretting it...because all I want to do is drink coffee and milk for the next week. I need to get back on Metformin. I haven't taken it in a WEEK. I'm so scared that that's the reason I'm 126 right now :\. I don't think I should try and eat normal because I don't know what normal is. It's four o'clock. I have three essays to write. I have work and food not bombs tomorrow. I need to make holiday cookies and caramel-pecan corn to fatten up Eric because he weighs 126.5 lbs (at 5'11" wtf) and that's just unacceptable. How come he manages to actually fucking LOSE weight by eating pizza every night and NOT working out? I FUCKING WEIGH 126 RIGHT NOW. I need to fatten him up a little so I feel better about myself. Ughhh what is wrong with me. I want a therapist who will give me a note to take to work so they know why I leave early so often. I think this is why I change jobs so often...idk. I was feeling ok earlier but now I'm not so sure...not gonna think about what I ate not gonna think about what I ate not gonna think about what I ate. Not gonna think about how I don't have time to gym it up today or tomorrow either. I feel about ready to explode right now.

When no one is looking,
I swallow deserts and clouds
and chew on mountains
knowing they are sweet bones!
When no one is looking
and I want to kiss God,
I just lift my own hand to my mouth

If I lose my eating disorder, I'll miss it so much.

I'm fucking chasing a pipe dream
And nothing is as it seems
Why does it mean so much
If the numbers don't add up
I just feel so fucking destined
To be stuck here forever
Never getting to experience
That other side's that greener
Striving every day
Only to be disappointed
All my efforts wasted
Sometimes
I just
Want to
Breakdown
(actual musical breakdown)

XeatingxdisordersX

I really do need to find a solution. I'm binging like mad again. I've had tortilla chips and cilantro dip, crackers w/ cream cheese and jam, a caramel ghiradelli square, and I plan on demolishing a plate of pasta and cheese in about five minutes. FUCK ME. It's pretty obvious what I'm going to be doing an hour from now. I kinda wanted to go to the gym but I have a better idea: get my friend Cary to hang out with me then curl up under the covers and cry myself to sleep.

So I was pretty mad yesterday, just at how American culture not only valorizes eating over your normal calorie limit and eating 3253298593 disgusting fattening foods, but that it simultaneously valorizes being super thin, fit, and healthy. If only I'd been given the right messages as a kid. If only, if only.

Today was honestly one of the best days I've had in a while though! I binged and purged like a fucking mofo yesterday and I was really upset over that. I hate binging and purging. It's turned lethal this time. Usually my b/p phases will last about one to two months and only two to three times a week, but yesterday I binged and purged FOUR FUCKING TIMES. My throat's so sore right now, and I'm so fucking dehydrated. Fucking downed 85 oz. of water for nothing. but today! I did sooo good. I went to the gym for about an hour and forty minutes (would've gone longer but I'm working six and a half hours tonight), and I even coaxed myself to eat some sushi not knowing how many calories it was. I know there's obviously no way I'm under 700 today and it makes me nervous, but I know its not bad for me, so I'll just shut up and deal.

Couch-2-5K = 215 calories
45 mins yoga = 131 calories
work >:[ = 588 calories (DAYUM)
total = 934 calories (SO GOOD!)

ate today:
half a yoplait light yogurt - 50 cals
1 rice krispie treat - 90 cals
7 pieces of sushi - 630 cals uuuggghhhh
2 marshmallows - 70 cals
100 calorie pack of cookies - 100 cals
total: 940:\ I 'm really tempted to purge right now, but aggghhh I know I shouldn't. And anyways I have to go to work.

munching on a rice krispie treat right now
watching food network is soooo bad
I love pushing myself, seeing how long I can watch before I give in and go eat something. I love the feeling of being hungry, and seeing something that looks good and just salivating.

Whatev.
I can't decided whether or not I want to purge what I just ate. Part of me says its extra calories but another part says that purging will eff with my digestive system and make me more fat. I'm scared too that if I don't eat my metabolism will slow down or something. I got really freaked out at the gym a little while ago - what if my metabolism slows down if I'm hungry and excercising to compensate for the energy loss and I end up burning less calories than the treadmill says I am?

haha my left eyelid is like having a seizure
I'm thinking about doing the guessmyweight thing. Hella scared though.

daaaaayyyuuum
I hate flushing money down the toilet
yesterday it was $3.25
today it was way more, like $8
I was hella hungry at work so I bought a salad and a rice krispie treat, then four marshmallows and another rice krispie treat and I figured fuck, I'm going to have to get rid of it anyways might as well go to McDonald's. Don't even like meat; everything at McDonald's makes me sick; but when I'm in the binging mood I guess anything's game.
Really though - I thought I quit this...

stupid list of things I'd like to have:
- face powder
- at home manicure kit
- nail guides
- all the harry potter movies
- Ben Steinert following me around with a guitar
- MONEY
- laptop
- IPOD cable
- headphones that don't shock me
- pastry bags and tips
- skills?
- Canon SD1000
- car cleaning stuff

I don't know what to do about classes, I pretty much fail at life.

it isn't going very smoothly :\
I never find time for three hours @ the gym

tomorrow:
get off at 11:50 AM
12:10 - 3:10: FUCKING GYM
3:30 - 6:30: Homework
6:30 - 7:00: get ready for work (87 cals/hr = work)

for eating:
breakfast - White Chocolate & Strawberry yogurt - 100
snack - half an apple - 77.5
lunch - rest of apple - 77.5
snack - orange - 125
dinner - 2 c. lettuce w/ 1 tbsp. dressing - 87

total - 467

from 12/09/2007 - 2/09/2008:
CW: 124.5
STGW1: 112 (by December 31, 2007)
STGW2: 102 (by February 9, 2008)
STGW3: 95 (by April 1, 2008?)
GW: 89 (hopefully by May 25, 2008 :D)

food + drank:
- 3 servings of fruit/day =< 308 calories
- 1 serving non-fat dairy/day =< 101 calories
- 1 serving fish/day =< 91 calories
- allow 1/4 c. nuts/week =<160 cals
- min. 64 oz. water/day
- min. 2 cups herbal tea
- no soda, no juice
- allow 2 cups diet soda and/or decaf coffee/week

excercise: 600 cals/day
M.W.F: C-2-5k + weights
S.T.TH.SA: recommended: 3 hrs walking @ 3.5-4.0 mph + 300 crunches; min1 hr cardio + min 150 crunches

12/10/2007 - 12/30/2007
S: Intro to Yoga

1/06/08 - ?
S: Power Yoga
Sa: Yoga
T & TH: Yoga 2

at least one from each following days or 1 extra hr cardio
S: Boot Camp, X-bike
M: Boot Camp, Pilates, Aerobics
T: Step/On the Ball, Quick Fit
W: Boot Camp, Pilates
Th: Step, Quick Fit
F: Fatburner Step, On the Ball
Sa: Fatburner Step

EVERY WEEK:
bike all the way down to sacramento, don't have to bike back

Sample day 12/09/07:
breakfast: Yoplait Lt Yogurt - 100 cals
snack: small organic apple - 70 cals
lunch: 1 organic banana - 109 cals
snack: 1 organic orange - 80 calos
dinner: 1 fish fillet, baked, with garlic pwdr, salt, and ground black pepper - 90 cals
total: 449
8:00 AM: intro to x-bike = 250 cals
9:00 AM: walk on treadmill for 1 hr = 237 cals
10:00 AM: boot camp = 130 cals?
11:00 AM: intro to yoga = 174 cals
total = 791
total loss = .642 lbs

Ho hum. I kinda miss you livejournal :[
Today I've eaten:
2 golden butter entertaining cracker's from Trader Joe's: 40 cals
1 1/2 slices lavash bread: 40 cals
1 piece saffron chicken: 60 cals
2 radish slices: 10 cals???
1 cube feta cheese: no idea...ill say 50 cals
total so far: 200 >:[
it's still too much. it was going to be forty calories because I just ate the crackers so Metformin wouldn't make me sick and to give my metabolism a little kick and wake it up in the morning - all the other stuff I ended up nibbling on when I got talked into going to lunch with my dad and his friends. harumph. i hate food.

Since I've been officialy pretending that I no longer have an eating disorder I've begun losing weight again. No more thin people talk! Just thirty more lbs :\ It won't be that hard.

Today kinda sucked though. Merow.

I got the job I wanted at Target except now I'm scared they're going to work me too hard. Meh idk. I don't know why it has to be that brings home the bacon.


^this girl was on realthin today and she looks the way I want to look. GGAAHHH even if I lose three pounds a weeki I won't be my goal weight until December. And all I can think about is how fat I used to be/still am. I can't believe I've wasted my entire teenage life to this fatsuit.


I bought a "shirt" similar to this from Forever21 for $25 but now I have no fucking clue why. It's cream with an embroidered collar. If I wear it now I'll just look like a fashionable fattie:

What color is fear?

What sound does affection make?

What texture does Autumn have?

What shape does a conversation make?

What fabric is a kitten made of?

What noise is made by curiosity?

What is the smell of knowledge?

How do you punctuate life?

What does death taste like

( answer before you look at mine )

I don't reeaaallyy want to talk about it but I will. I wish I were one of those people who are universally loved. I know I never can be because no matter how hard I try to be really nice or really cute or really clever I never end up in any way anywhere near the definition of "cool". And I know no one is universally loved because there will always be someone who doesn't like you, but I wish that when people change their plans they'd call and say something like "hey why aren't you here the party's no fun without you" or "damn I really wish we could go but the museum's closed because of Columbus Day. but do you want to come hang out and make shirts or something?" or "I'm sorry I treated you so badly in the past. Will you forgive me? Do you want to come to dinner with the family tonight? We're celebrating Mya's birthday". The only people who really care about me are my brother, my mom, my dad, my cousin, and Eric. So basically family. And it isn't that I'm not grateful - I am - at least I have some sort of support system, at least some people care about me. But I care so much about so many people and even though I don't expect them to feel the same way about me I just wish they did :\.

And I wish that people didn't think I'm improvising when I tell the truth. Or that I'm telling the truth when I lie. And that I could be at least on one non-family person's top eight. I just wish I were worth it. Will losing weight make me more valuable? I hope it will. And if it doesn't I wish I'll become so thin I'll disappear.