urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:monkeychunkssss monkeychunkssss monkeychunkssss 2007-12-25T06:45:20Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:monkeychunkssss:9570 2007-12-25T06:45:20Z 2007-12-25T06:45:20Z Thing I hate most about purging: I feel like I'm breaking edge. It gives me this lightheaded woozy feeling not altogether different from dxm highs &gt;:|. I hate it. I hate feeling that way. I don't understand why I fail at eating like a normal human being. Today I did ok until dessert at my aunt and uncle's house. Seeing sweet things just turns on my b/p autopilot. Before I know what's happened I've gorged myself on cake and sweets and goodies and I'm in the bathroom calling down to my cousin asking him how to make the toilet flush, scared that he's going to come in to show me and see the vomit in the toilet bowl. <br /><br />Me: "Am I fat?"<br />My seven-year old cousin: "Uh huh!"<br /><br />Ahahahaha. I couldn't stop laughing while stuffing my face. His affirmation of my enormous self made me feel so vindicated when I purged.<br /><br />I miss Eric. I miss Eric. I miss Eric. I miss Eric. I miss Eric. <br /><br />Can't wait to open up the Hello Kitty toaster my grandma got me. It's too bad you can't toast fruit :\. Maybe I'll indulge in a slice of toast for breakfast tomorrow just to use my toaster! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:monkeychunkssss:9054 2007-12-22T23:32:28Z 2007-12-22T23:32:28Z I can't take this anymore. Too weak to go to work, but they'll be shorthanded if I don't. Purging is getting too difficult. I can feel my insides tugging at the food and trying to keep it in. I think I'm going to try and stick to restricting only. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:monkeychunkssss:8614 2007-12-21T19:38:39Z 2007-12-21T19:38:39Z it was us against the world<br />and the world was against us<br />now I fumble with my sword<br />now I stumble on back words<br /><br />I mess up all my relationships. I don't think I can get close to Eric at all anymore. I don't even want to take a shower for fear of seeing all that fat. I want to break every mirror in this house, crawl into my closet with some sleeping pills and wake up when I'm thin. <br /><br />TOday I woke up at six, ready to bake some cookies. My schedule was supposed to go like so:<br />6:00-8:00: make cookie dough/bake cookies<br />8:30-11:40: gym<br />12:00-3:00: bike to downtown sacramento, take light rail back<br />4:00-whenever: get my hair done, and my eyebrows upkept, hang out with Eric, then work on my english essay. <br /><br />Buuuut my throat hurts so I don't want to go to the gym with all the nastiness in the air. I don't understand how I get sick so fast. I realize it would normally be attributed to not eating well, stomach acid, and not getting enough rest, but yesterday I actually ended up eating a hot dog and a scone because my stomach hurt so bad and I take my vitamins every day. I'm such a pig. It was all I talked about the rest of the evening too, haha. Poor coworkers. Blllaaahhh stupid immune system. <br /><br />Um, I complain too much. I even complain about complaining :\. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:monkeychunkssss:8319 2007-12-20T23:27:42Z 2007-12-20T23:27:42Z yesterday:<br />1 orange <br />1/2 slice toast w/ 1 tbsp. neufchatel<br />and some crap I binged on then purged<br />gatorade because I felt really wierd and dehydrated after purging and figured I might need some electrolytes. It was so hard to keep down, its just water and high fructose corn syrup. EW. <br />total: 355<br /><br />so far today:<br />1 egg white <br />1 Mango Sambazon (255 fucking calories but I don't care cause its the only thing worth that many calories + its good for me + its good for the rainforest + it tastes SO FUCKING GOOD)<br />total so far= 270 <br />If I end up eating an apple at work: 310 <br /><br />p.s. I love yoga <br /><br />yeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhhh<br /><br />I'm really nervous about cooking all the food for my mom's pre-Christmas dinner party on the 23rd, but also really excited. I'll probably fuck up the roast but whatever. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:monkeychunkssss:7587 2007-12-18T19:11:59Z 2007-12-18T19:11:59Z I'm about to leave to go to the gym right now. Gonna do my Couch-to-5K stuff, then yoga at 12:00, and maybe thirty minutes of stregnth training after that. <br /><br />So far I've eaten:<br />2 egg whites - 32 cals<br />1 multi-grain waffle - 95 cals<br />1 tbsp. organic maple syrup - 52.5 cals<br />2 tbsp peanut butter - 210 cals<br />125 g apple slice - 65 cals<br />total: 454.5...:\<br /><br />It feels like a lot, especially since I haven't even eaten lunch yet. I'm not really counting calories today though, just trying to make sure I don't go over 1200 and linking and balancing my carbs and protein. I'd be at 244.5 if I'd known apples don't need to be linked but I'm just going to forget about it and feel good about all the wonderful organic food I'm putting into my body. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:monkeychunkssss:7200 2007-12-17T02:56:08Z 2007-12-17T02:56:08Z doing good :]<br />I had a couple bites of shredded frosted wheat cereal for breakfast, celery and sausage sauteed in oil, 1/4 c. of pasta with cheese, 1 1/2 marshmallows, 1 bite of lemon poppy seed bread, and a strawberry yoplait light :DDD<br /><br />Didn't purge at all today because I ate so well! I'm sure I consumed around 700 calories so far, but meh. It was nutrient dense, and work was more like a work OUT, ahahaha I'm so witty. Eric has a bmi of 17.6 - by March I'm gonna have a bmi of 16.8 fo shizzle. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:monkeychunkssss:6770 2007-12-16T03:38:11Z 2007-12-16T03:38:11Z I smell like vomit<br />I hate the smell of vomit<br />livejournal is telling me its Friday and my computer is telling me its Friday but...I'm pretty sure it's Saturday? Note to self: tomorrow will be better. I promise. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:monkeychunkssss:6532 2007-12-15T23:56:57Z 2007-12-15T23:58:08Z ummmmm<br /><br />fuck<br /><br />I spent around $50 on healthy, organic food today: lean meats, low fat dairy, and whole grains, etc. etc. trying to motivate myself to eat well. Now I'm kinda regretting it...because all I want to do is drink coffee and milk for the next week. I need to get back on Metformin. I haven't taken it in a WEEK. I'm so scared that that's the reason I'm 126 right now :\. I don't think I should try and eat normal because I don't know what normal is. It's four o'clock. I have three essays to write. I have work and food not bombs tomorrow. I need to make holiday cookies and caramel-pecan corn to fatten up Eric because he weighs 126.5 lbs (at 5'11" wtf) and that's just unacceptable. How come he manages to actually fucking LOSE weight by eating pizza every night and NOT working out? I FUCKING WEIGH 126 RIGHT NOW. I need to fatten him up a little so I feel better about myself. Ughhh what is wrong with me. I want a therapist who will give me a note to take to work so they know why I leave early so often. I think this is why I change jobs so often...idk. I was feeling ok earlier but now I'm not so sure...not gonna think about what I ate not gonna think about what I ate not gonna think about what I ate. Not gonna think about how I don't have time to gym it up today or tomorrow either. I feel about ready to explode right now.<br /><br />When no one is looking,<br />I swallow deserts and clouds<br />and chew on mountains<br />knowing they are sweet bones!<br />When no one is looking<br />and I want to kiss God,<br />I just lift my own hand to my mouth<br /><br />If I lose my eating disorder, I'll miss it so much. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:monkeychunkssss:6152 2007-12-14T04:26:49Z 2007-12-14T04:26:49Z I'm fucking chasing a pipe dream<br />And nothing is as it seems<br />Why does it mean so much <br />If the numbers don't add up<br />I just feel so fucking destined<br />To be stuck here forever<br />Never getting to experience<br />That other side's that greener<br />Striving every day <br />Only to be disappointed <br />All my efforts wasted<br />Sometimes<br />I just<br />Want to <br />Breakdown<br />(actual musical breakdown)<br /><br />XeatingxdisordersX<br /><br />I really do need to find a solution. I'm binging like mad again. I've had tortilla chips and cilantro dip, crackers w/ cream cheese and jam, a caramel ghiradelli square, and I plan on demolishing a plate of pasta and cheese in about five minutes. FUCK ME. It's pretty obvious what I'm going to be doing an hour from now. I kinda wanted to go to the gym but I have a better idea: get my friend Cary to hang out with me then curl up under the covers and cry myself to sleep. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:monkeychunkssss:6097 2007-12-14T00:10:34Z 2007-12-14T00:10:34Z So I was pretty mad yesterday, just at how American culture not only valorizes eating over your normal calorie limit and eating 3253298593 disgusting fattening foods, but that it simultaneously valorizes being super thin, fit, and healthy. If only I'd been given the right messages as a kid. If only, if only. <br /><br />Today was honestly one of the best days I've had in a while though! I binged and purged like a fucking mofo yesterday and I was really upset over that. I hate binging and purging. It's turned lethal this time. Usually my b/p phases will last about one to two months and only two to three times a week, but yesterday I binged and purged FOUR FUCKING TIMES. My throat's so sore right now, and I'm so fucking dehydrated. Fucking downed 85 oz. of water for nothing. but today! I did sooo good. I went to the gym for about an hour and forty minutes (would've gone longer but I'm working six and a half hours tonight), and I even coaxed myself to eat some sushi not knowing how many calories it was. I know there's obviously no way I'm under 700 today and it makes me nervous, but I know its not bad for me, so I'll just shut up and deal. <br /><br />Couch-2-5K = 215 calories<br />45 mins yoga = 131 calories<br />work &gt;:[ = 588 calories (DAYUM)<br />total = 934 calories (SO GOOD!)<br /><br />ate today:<br />half a yoplait light yogurt - 50 cals<br />1 rice krispie treat - 90 cals<br />7 pieces of sushi - 630 cals uuuggghhhh <br />2 marshmallows - 70 cals<br />100 calorie pack of cookies - 100 cals<br />total: 940:\ I 'm really tempted to purge right now, but aggghhh I know I shouldn't. And anyways I have to go to work. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:monkeychunkssss:5756 2007-12-12T22:51:08Z 2007-12-12T22:52:06Z munching on a rice krispie treat right now<br />watching food network is soooo bad<br />I love pushing myself, seeing how long I can watch before I give in and go eat something. I love the feeling of being hungry, and seeing something that looks good and just salivating. <br /><br />Whatev. <br />I can't decided whether or not I want to purge what I just ate. Part of me says its extra calories but another part says that purging will eff with my digestive system and make me more fat. I'm scared too that if I <i>don't</i> eat my metabolism will slow down or something. I got really freaked out at the gym a little while ago - what if my metabolism slows down if I'm hungry and excercising to compensate for the energy loss and I end up burning less calories than the treadmill says I am? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:monkeychunkssss:5425 2007-12-12T08:56:17Z 2007-12-12T08:56:17Z haha my left eyelid is like having a seizure<br />I'm thinking about doing the guessmyweight thing. Hella scared though. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:monkeychunkssss:5166 2007-12-12T08:42:09Z 2007-12-12T08:42:09Z daaaaayyyuuum<br />I hate flushing money down the toilet<br />yesterday it was $3.25<br />today it was way more, like $8<br />I was hella hungry at work so I bought a salad and a rice krispie treat, then four marshmallows and another rice krispie treat and I figured fuck, I'm going to have to get rid of it anyways might as well go to McDonald's. Don't even like meat; everything at McDonald's makes me sick; but when I'm in the binging mood I guess anything's game. <br />Really though - I thought I quit this...<br /><br />stupid list of things I'd like to have:<br />- face powder<br />- at home manicure kit<br />- nail guides<br />- all the harry potter movies<br />- Ben Steinert following me around with a guitar<br />- MONEY<br />- laptop<br />- IPOD cable<br />- headphones that don't shock me<br />- pastry bags and tips<br />- skills?<br />- Canon SD1000<br />- car cleaning stuff<br /><br />I don't know what to do about classes, I pretty much fail at life. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:monkeychunkssss:4894 2007-12-12T03:02:03Z 2007-12-12T03:02:03Z it isn't going very smoothly :\<br />I never find time for three hours @ the gym<br /><br />tomorrow:<br />get off at 11:50 AM<br />12:10 - 3:10: FUCKING GYM<br />3:30 - 6:30: Homework<br />6:30 - 7:00: get ready for work (87 cals/hr = work)<br /><br />for eating:<br />breakfast - White Chocolate & Strawberry yogurt - 100<br />snack - half an apple - 77.5<br />lunch - rest of apple - 77.5<br />snack - orange - 125<br />dinner - 2 c. lettuce w/ 1 tbsp. dressing - 87 <br /><br />total - 467 urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:monkeychunkssss:4815 2007-12-09T09:19:32Z 2007-12-09T09:28:02Z from 12/09/2007 - 2/09/2008:<br />CW: 124.5<br />STGW1: 112 (by December 31, 2007)<br />STGW2: 102 (by February 9, 2008)<br />STGW3: 95 (by April 1, 2008?)<br />GW: 89 (hopefully by May 25, 2008 :D)<br /><br />food + drank:<br />- 3 servings of fruit/day =&lt; 308 calories<br />- 1 serving non-fat dairy/day =&lt; 101 calories<br />- 1 serving fish/day =&lt; 91 calories<br />- allow 1/4 c. nuts/week =&lt;160 cals<br />- min. 64 oz. water/day<br />- min. 2 cups herbal tea<br />- no soda, no juice<br />- allow 2 cups diet soda and/or decaf coffee/week<br /><br />excercise: 600 cals/day<br />M.W.F: C-2-5k + weights<br />S.T.TH.SA: recommended: 3 hrs walking @ 3.5-4.0 mph + 300 crunches; min1 hr cardio + min 150 crunches<br /><br />12/10/2007 - 12/30/2007<br />S: Intro to Yoga<br /><br />1/06/08 - ?<br />S: Power Yoga<br />Sa: Yoga<br />T & TH: Yoga 2<br /><br />at least one from each following days or 1 extra hr cardio<br />S: Boot Camp, X-bike<br />M: Boot Camp, Pilates, Aerobics<br />T: Step/On the Ball, Quick Fit<br />W: Boot Camp, Pilates<br />Th: Step, Quick Fit<br />F: Fatburner Step, On the Ball<br />Sa: Fatburner Step<br /><br />EVERY WEEK:<br />bike all the way down to sacramento, don't have to bike back<br /><br />Sample day 12/09/07:<br />breakfast: Yoplait Lt Yogurt - 100 cals<br />snack: small organic apple - 70 cals<br />lunch: 1 organic banana - 109 cals<br />snack: 1 organic orange - 80 calos<br />dinner: 1 fish fillet, baked, with garlic pwdr, salt, and ground black pepper - 90 cals<br />total: 449<br />8:00 AM: intro to x-bike = 250 cals<br />9:00 AM: walk on treadmill for 1 hr = 237 cals<br />10:00 AM: boot camp = 130 cals? <br />11:00 AM: intro to yoga = 174 cals<br />total = 791<br />total loss = .642 lbs urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:monkeychunkssss:4417 2007-12-06T00:45:26Z 2007-12-06T00:45:26Z Ho hum. I kinda miss you livejournal :[<br />Today I've eaten:<br />2 golden butter entertaining cracker's from Trader Joe's: 40 cals<br />1 1/2 slices lavash bread: 40 cals<br />1 piece saffron chicken: 60 cals<br />2 radish slices: 10 cals???<br />1 cube feta cheese: no idea...ill say 50 cals<br />total so far: 200 &gt;:[<br />it's still too much. it was going to be forty calories because I just ate the crackers so Metformin wouldn't make me sick and to give my metabolism a little kick and wake it up in the morning - all the other stuff I ended up nibbling on when I got talked into going to lunch with my dad and his friends. harumph. i hate food. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:monkeychunkssss:4287 2007-10-26T02:00:15Z 2007-10-26T02:00:15Z Since I've been officialy pretending that I no longer have an eating disorder I've begun losing weight again. No more thin people talk! Just thirty more lbs :\ It won't be that hard. <br /><br />Today kinda sucked though. Merow. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:monkeychunkssss:3641 2007-10-20T16:40:52Z 2007-10-20T16:52:06Z I got the job I wanted at Target except now I'm scared they're going to work me too hard. Meh idk. I don't know why it has to be that brings home the bacon. <br /><br /><img src="http://i58.photobucket.com/albums/g261/stemsss/_realthin/old6.jpg"><br />^this girl was on realthin today and she looks the way I want to look. GGAAHHH even if I lose three pounds a weeki I won't be my goal weight until <i>December</i>. And all I can think about is how fat I used to be/still am. I can't believe I've wasted my entire teenage life to this fatsuit.<br /><br /><img src="http://www.forever21.com/images/large/44051704-01.jpg"><br />I bought a "shirt" similar to this from Forever21 for $25 but now I have no fucking clue why. It's cream with an embroidered collar. If I wear it now I'll just look like a fashionable fattie:<br /><br /><img src="http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b275/cristyheartsyou/college/DSC04439.jpg"> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:monkeychunkssss:3438 2007-10-16T07:26:00Z 2007-10-16T07:26:00Z What color is fear?<br /><br />What sound does affection make?<br /><br />What texture does Autumn have?<br /><br />What shape does a conversation make?<br /><br />What fabric is a kitten made of?<br /><br />What noise is made by curiosity?<br /><br />What is the smell of knowledge?<br /><br />How do you punctuate life?<br /><br />What does death taste like<br /><br /><a name="cutid1"></a><br /><br />Black<br /><br />Mewing like a cat, squeaking like a baby monkey<br /><br />crunchy, crisp<br /><br />square<br /><br />velvet<br /><br />whirring<br /><br />books<br /><br />with periods<br /><br />licorice<br /><br /> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:monkeychunkssss:2841 2007-10-09T05:21:37Z 2007-10-09T05:21:37Z I don't reeaaallyy want to talk about it but I will. I wish I were one of those people who are universally loved. I know I never can be because no matter how hard I try to be really nice or really cute or really clever I never end up in any way anywhere near the definition of "cool". And I know no one is universally loved because there will always be someone who doesn't like you, but I wish that when people change their plans they'd call and say something like "hey why aren't you here the party's no fun without you" or "damn I really wish we could go but the museum's closed because of Columbus Day. but do you want to come hang out and make shirts or something?" or "I'm sorry I treated you so badly in the past. Will you forgive me? Do you want to come to dinner with the family tonight? We're celebrating Mya's birthday". The only people who really care about me are my brother, my mom, my dad, my cousin, and Eric. So basically family. And it isn't that I'm not grateful - I am - at least I have some sort of support system, at least <i>some</i> people care about me. But I care so much about so many people and even though I don't expect them to feel the same way about me I just wish they did :\. <br /><br />And I wish that people didn't think I'm improvising when I tell the truth. Or that I'm telling the truth when I lie. And that I could be at least on one non-family person's top eight. I just wish I were worth it. Will losing weight make me more valuable? I hope it will. And if it doesn't I wish I'll become so thin I'll disappear. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:monkeychunkssss:2706 2007-10-06T17:16:53Z 2007-10-06T17:16:53Z Eric wasn't mad at me he was mad at himself. And we still love each other. We're still "bff till the grave". I'm supposed to be leaving for work right now. Stupid hoes keep calling me in when I DON'T WANT TO WORK. Last night was fun. Cary and my bro still think I'm cool. They didn't even ask me if I was ok or anything so that was good. Alex really love the doubled sided dildo and the batman mask we got him for his brithday that he ran around the town center with the mask on his head and the dildo hanging out of his pants. I had fun :D. And we took pictures and I didn't look too fat. And I won a chess game! First game won in a looooong time. And Eric and I are probably going to hang out at his parents tongight instead of going out to dinner with Mike and his friends so I won't be tempted by no fattnin' sushi. Awesome. <br /><br />So far today I've had half a whole wheat bagel, and two kiwis. That's about 210 calories I think? Awesome and more AWESOME! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:monkeychunkssss:2506 2007-10-06T01:39:45Z 2007-10-06T01:39:45Z Eric isn't calling me back. I miss him so much. Why do I doooo thiissss. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:monkeychunkssss:2113 2007-10-03T21:41:15Z 2007-10-03T21:41:15Z I don't know why but I've gotten into the habit of binging and purging lately. It just feels so good to see stars and feel like crap. I'm such a creep. Who in their right mind <i>wants</i> to feel like crap? I think its cause I haven't really gotten a chance to go to the gym since last Thursday. That's nearly a week :[. Eric and I were backpacking Friday and Saturday. Then my legs were all sore and I didn't want to pull any muscles. They feel better today so I think I'll go after work. I want my period to go away. I hate water weight. <br /><br />I don't know how much I ate today. I'm out of control. <br /><br />And I have nothing to wear. I used to have two pairs of jeans and one pair of grey twill pants but one pair got torn up to the max on our trip and I had to throw them away. So now I have on pair of jeans and one pair of grey twill pants, both of which are too big for me, only one of which (the jeans) I wear. I'm not much a fashion person at all but I just wish I were thin enough to wear cute clothes. I'm not buying a new pair of jeans until I'm at least a 0. I'm a four right now. It's not <i>that</i> far away. Just two sizes. Just twenty pounds!! I should be 123 by next Monday. If I'm not I just may have a nervous breakdown. <br /><br /><a name="cutid1"></a><br />I like it because its cheap<br /><br /><img src="http://www.forever21.com/images/large/40048189-01.jpg"><br /><br /><img src="http://www.forever21.com/images/large/40398037-03.jpg"><br /><br /><img src="http://www.forever21.com/images/large/42151534-03.jpg"><br /><br /><br /><br />two more weeks till Mokelumne urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:monkeychunkssss:1817 2007-10-01T21:21:49Z 2007-10-01T21:21:49Z I totally embarresed myself in front of my English teacher today. He's such a kindly old owl though. He actually gave me his <i>hanky</i> when I started crying :O. I didn't even know people carried those around still. He was really nice and made me feel a little better about writing such a horrible-not-even-completed rough draft. <br /><br />I had Mac N' Cheese for lunch &gt;:[<br />It was just one little bowl. I should've just had some soup or something or nothing at all but I didn't want Eric to feel bad about eating in front of me. He never wants to eat around me because he thinks he's tempting me or making me frustrated or something that I can't eat what he's eating. He's right in a way but I don't want him to refrain from eating yummy things just because I'm not. Blah. At least he's supportive. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:monkeychunkssss:1609 2007-09-30T21:47:58Z 2007-09-30T21:47:58Z Sam Beam :3 I should be doing my English essay right now. It's due tomorrow. Instead I'm loafing around on the internet wasting time. I can't believe desolation wilderness pwnd me yesterday and I woke up this morning wanting to go back. I probably have some as of yet undiscovered mental disorder involving mountains and masochism. There's nothing more terrifying than hanging upside down on a nearly vertical slab of granite. But I want to prove myself to that stupid trail. Hundreds of people have done it, so why can't I?